I got the idea from the physciatrist hotline:
Hello, you've reached the Eternal Champion hotline.
If you want to report a breakage in the space-time continum, please press one.
If your world is being invaded by Chaos, please press two.
If you are reporting the beginning of the End Times, please press three.
If you are trying to find Tanelorn, please press four.
If you are a Lord of the Higher Planes, please bugger off.
If you have found a large black sword, keep it, he doesn't want it back.